


Make me feel alive

by jiho



Category: VIXX
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 04:00:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1154636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiho/pseuds/jiho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakyeon feels so proud he forgets how sad and bitter he is about the situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make me feel alive

**Author's Note:**

> hanna, i hope you find this and take responsibility.

According to the list, VIXX is the seventh artist in the line-up for music bank today. The show had started ten minutes ago, but Hakyeon had turned off the TV again during the first performance, the TV screen still dark.

He takes a deep breath, calming himself as the seconds stretch, and he reaches for the remote and turns on the screen again. He catches the end of a performance by a girls group he's not familiar with, thinking to himself that they must be rookies as he eyes them. He puts the remote away, out of his reach to prevent himself from turning off the screen impromptu again. He sighs as he watches the MC's talk, presenting another stage.

Hakyeon watches group upon group perform, counting them. One more stage and it's VIXX. He feels his heart clench as he watches BTOB perform, their song upbeat with a catchy chorus, the members' gazes intense and not without a couple of smirks as they move across the stage. As soon as the song ends, the screen changes, showing the short introduction to VIXX's comeback, a short cut from the music video, the members' names on display as they come out on screen.

_Hongbin. Hyuk. Leo. Ravi. Ken._

Then the poster is shown, the words _'VIXX COMEBACK'_ written across the screen. Hakyeon swallows, pulling his legs up and wraps his arms around them, watching their intro, a short dance sequence. The screen changes again and the five members are lined up, ready to begin. A second has barely passed before the song begins.

Hakyeon watches how Wonsik gets surrounded by the four of them before the camera zooms in to focus on him, his right hand holding the mic to his mouth and his left is clutching his shirt by his heart as he opens the song with a simple line. Hakyeon bites his lips, feeling his stomach churn as their performance begins, the lights on the stage flashing.

Taekwoon is the first one to sing, his voice as powerful as ever. Hakyeon clutches his legs a little tighter. They focus on Jaehwan as he sings his first lines, before they zoom out again so the viewers can get a look at all the members and the dance formation. He tries to get a look at each of their faces, tires to read their expressions. He looks for signs of distress, but he doesn’t find any, only Sanghyuk who seems to be scowling a little harder than usual. They’re focused, looking unfaltering, and Hakyeon suddenly remembers they’re professionals. They’re not supposed to show any sort of discomfort.

This is a good thing, Hakyeon tells himself and tries press away nagging feeling that has settled in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t want the members to think of him, of course he doesn’t. VIXX are under a lot of pressure this time around, more so than they’ve ever been before and it’s his fault. He has no right to want the members to think of him, knowing that it would upset them.

He remembers monitoring the G.R.8.U stages, the ones Taekwoon couldn't perform in due to his injured ankle. There had been an obvious gap on the stage where Taekwoon should have been, an empty spot that belonged to him. Even when he had been sitting at the side to sing his parts, the choreography Hakyeon had made back then had been for six members to perform.

There is no open space for Hakyeon to claim on this stage. The five of them are already perfectly aligned without him, filling the stage perfectly. He swallows, the camera now shooting a close-up of Hongbin who looks back at the lense, his voice strong as he sings his part, and Hakyeon lets out a shaky breath as the chorus begins.

Sanghyuk stands in middle, in front of the others almost as if he's leading their movements while Taekwoon's voice comes out through Hakyeon’s speakers. Hakyeon mouths along the lyrics, already familiar with the words from the times he has listened to the song. It’s nice song. It’s been stuck in his head since the release yesterday and he had told himself that maybe if he listened to it enough time, he would get so used to the voices singing it that he would stop wondering which lines would have belonged to him.

The outfits they are wearing on stage match the ones from the dance scenes of the music video, tailored for each of the members' individual styles and body types. He lets out a deep breath when the second verse begins, Jaehwan stepping forth from his position on the far left side. His nausea hasn’t gone away yet. Taekwoon steps up as well, pressing their backs against each other before they turn around, facing one another as Taekwoon begins to sing his part, the others dancing in the back.

They cut to another camera, filming Sanghyuk, who sings a line, a second one, then another, and then one more. His voice wavers a little as he moves and it doesn't come out as loudly compared to the others'. He’s blending with the playback as he rounds off the verse, but Hakyeon feels so proud he forgets how sad and bitter he is about the situation.

There's a short break as the song changes from the chorus to the bridge. Wonsik's rap. He looks intimidating like this, with the other surrounding him as they fall on their knees in front of him. His make-up is just like theirs, dark and smudged around his eyes, the lines at the corners of his eyes winged, but the fake scar drawn on his right side looks more violent, the red stains contrasting to his black clothes.

The fans begin to shout in unison as he finishes his part and Hakyeon listens carefully, easily making out the words in the fanchant.

" _Jung Taekwoon. Lee Jaehwan. Kim Wonsik. Lee Hongbin. Han Sanghyuk. Cha Hakyeon, we love you. VIXX fighting."_

Hakyeon feels lightheaded. He hadn't expected to hear his name and he doesn't know how to feel about it. He tries to feel anything but regretful about it, shaking his head as he begins to wonder how many more times they'll shout his name before they stop caring and he's forgotten.

The song reaches its climax and the screams turns louder, camera zooming out to get a shot of all of them. Hakyeon can see some of the fans in the picture too, proudly waving their blue and gold towels in the air. He blinks the tears away, squinting his eyes as he tries to focus on watching the performance to the end.

His screen switches again, showing Taekwoon who has his head thrown back, standing still, the veins on his neck visible on his pale skin as he strains to hold a note. Jaehwan presents equally skillful vocals, his voice an echo of Taekwoon’s words.

It's Hongbin who ends the song, singing the last line just as the music stops. The screams of the fans are deafening, but it’s quickly shut off as they change the camera and it goes back to the MC’s, who rejoices, eagerly complementing the performance.

He contemplates on watching the rest of the show in case VIXX should make a short appearance later, but decides against it and turns off his TV. The silence spreads quickly in his small apartment. He swallows, but the lump in his throat stays and his eyes are stinging, so he brings both of his hands to his face, catching the tears before they're allowed to fall. He's cried enough.

Pitiful, he thinks to himself and slowly gets up, reaching for the crutches next to the couch. It's been nearly a year and he's still clinging to them.

 

Hakyeon would have thrown himself onto the bed had he not been worried for his ribs, so he sits down carefully instead, balancing the crutches against the wall. He grabs his phone, turning it on. There are a couple of icons on the notification panel at the top. He clicks the first one, opening the Kakaotalk app. There’s a new message in his chat with Minhyuk, but he ignores it. There are no new messages in the group chat titled VIXX. He opens the chat anyway, but finds his own message at the bottom, the one he had sent just before his battery died out, around the time he assumed they had arrived at KBS. No one has read his message yet, so he opens the notification panel again, opening his text messages. The push notification shows three new messages next to Taekwoon’s number.

\- _people are asking about you_

\- _rehearsal is over_

\- _standing on stage without you is weird._

Hakyeon stares at the messages, before he turns his head, eyes on the ceiling. He lets out another sigh before he types his reply.

 _'I watched your stage!! It was amazing!!! VIXX is awesome!!!_ '

He reads the message over a couple of times, adding an emoticon and a couple of k’s at the end to make it look a little happier before he sends it off. He resists the urge to send Taekwoon another few texts, stupid messages like, ‘ _see, you don’t need me!_ ’ and ‘ _VIXX looks so youthful and tall now!_ ’ there are few things he’d like to ask as well, but doesn’t dare to, like, ‘ _what were people asking about?_ ’ and ‘ _is wonsikie leading you guys well?_ ’

He lies down, the phone still in his hand as he closes his eyes and waits for the phone to vibrate.

Hakyeon doesn’t remember falling asleep, isn’t even sure he was really sleeping, but he jerks awake when his phone finally does vibrate. His body is aching slightly, but he ignores it, turning to lie on his left though he knows he isn’t supposed to put any weight on that side. He snorts to himself. It’s not like it’s going to change anything. Following the doctor’s instructions means faster recovery, but it won’t change the fact that he can’t dance again. He feels pathetic like this, curling into himself as he unlocks his phone, barely able to read the text he received from tears gathering in his eyes. His grips the devices a little tighter, angry at himself.

Why won’t he just stop crying.

He taps his fingers against the screen, writing a quick reply. Taekwoon sends him an answer almost immediately and they text each other back on forth, talking about today’s performance. Taekwoon doesn’t tell him too much, his replies coming a little slower than usual, but Hakyeon doesn’t push him, thankful for his consideration.

 

\- _it’s getting late_

\- _are you resting well_

- _no_

_\- i’m lying on my left side_

\- _don’t_

\- ... _who cares_

 

Hakyeon waits a little for a reply, but then turns to lie on his back as he realises that it won't come, holding his phone in the air as he types a _‘fine’_ and taps on the send button.

 

\- _you should sleep_

 - _you should too_

\- _but i guess you can’t yet_

\- _goodnight taekwoonie_

- _goodnight_

He throws his phone away, fighting back the urge to send Taekwoon a heart or an ‘ _i love you_ ’ as to end the conversation, leaving his room, crutches in hand. His phone vibrates a little later while he’s brushing his teeth, the sound muffled by his blanket. He doesn’t see the unread text when he finds his phone again, merely placing it on his nightstand. These past months, it hasn’t mattered much when he has been going to bed or when he has woken up. He doesn’t set an alarm to go off in the morning, because he has nothing to wake up for. The painkillers knock him out, but they’re usually the reason he wakes up as they wear off. It’s odd, but they seem to be even more efficient today, his eyelids already feeling too heavy before his head even hits his pillow. He’s out in a flash.

 

\- _i miss you_

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't been able to stop thinking about this entire scenario this i misinterpreted that summary my friend, hanna, tweeted me, so i had to write it... i didn't think it'd turn out to be more than maybe 800 words (if i was lucky), but once again had to force myself to put an end to the fic if i ever wanted to finish.
> 
> thanks so much to prescilla and esther for feedback and beta'ing<3


End file.
